Jokes
How
firefighters identify a HAZMAT chemical using the Chiefs Method:
1.
Chief standing/Truck running: Not hazardous.
2.
Chief unconscious/Truck running: Toxic fumes.
3.
Chief unconscious/Truck stalled: Oxygen displacing chemical.
4.
Chief /Truck both melting: Acidic chemical.
5.
Chief /Truck on fire: Extremely flammable.
Some
firefighters and cops got together to charter a double-decker bus to go to
Atlantic City for the weekend. The firefighters sat on the bottom deck, and the
cops on top. The firefighters are whooping it up when one of them realizes he
doesn't hear anything from the cops. Going upstairs he finds all the cops
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared to death.
"What the heck's going' on? We're downstairs having a grand old time."
One of the cops looks up eyes wide with fright, "Yeah, but you guys have
got a driver."
Q. What does CHAOS stand for? A. Chiefs Have Arrived On Scene.
A
lot of life's problems can be explained by the U.S. Military and its
applications of common sense ...
1.
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
(Paul Rodriguez)
2.
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your
unit."
(Army's magazine of preventive maintenance ).
3.
"Aim towards the Enemy."
(Instruction printed on US M79 Rocket Launcher)
4.
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
(U.S. Marine Corps)
5.
Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the
ground.
(U.S. Air Force)
6.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
(Infantry Journal)
7.
It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
(US Air Force Manual)
8.
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered
automatic weapons.
(Gen. Macarthur)
9.
Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.
(Infantry Journal)
10.
You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me.
(Marine Gunnery Sergeant)
11.
Tracers work both ways.
(US Army Ordnance)
12.
Five second fuses only last three seconds.
(Infantry Journal)
13.
Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do
anything.
(US Navy Seaman)
14.
Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
(David Hackworth)
15.
If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush.
(Infantry Journal)
16.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
(Joe Gay)
17.
Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
(Admiral Horn blower)
18.
Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
(Unknown Marine Recruit)
19.
Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
(Your Buddies)
20.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
(Army Platoon Sergeant)
21.
If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.
(David Hackworth)
22.
Your job is to kill the other person before they kill you so that your national
leaders can negotiate a peace that will last as long as it takes the ink to dry.
(Drill Instructor)
23.
In the Navy, the Chief is always right.
(Written on the door into the Chiefs quarters)
"Not me, Chief!" the Airman replied. "Once I get out of the Air
Force, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
Mental
Health Outsourcing
I
was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan. I
told them I was suicidal.
During
a readiness exercise, two Air Force security policemen were guarding entry to a
bunker-like structure where aircraft were kept. When a pilot about to do a
preflight check approached without his identification in plain view, one of the
Air Force security policemen asked him for it. "I don't see why I have to
show you my ID," the pilot snapped. "After all, it is my plane."
"Sir, with all due respect, it may be your plane," replied the Air
Force security man, "but it's sitting in my garage!"
Though
I Fly Through the Valley of Death ..I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000
Feet and Climbing! (Sign over the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base
Kadena, Japan).
You've
never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore -test
pilot)
The
only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
Blue
water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the
sky. (From an old carrier sailor)
If
the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter --
and therefore, unsafe
When
one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to
get you to the scene of the crash.
What
is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws
up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up,...the pilot dies.
Never
trade luck for skill.
The
three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why
is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh Shit!"
Weather
forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Airspeed,
altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
A
smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is
prevarication.
I
remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
Mankind
has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
Flashlights
are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing
dead batteries
Flying
the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the
ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.
When
a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten. Just remember,
if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
Advice
given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a plane (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor
to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as
possible.
The
Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; ...it can just barely kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A
pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.
(Jon McBride, astronaut)
If
you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as
possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
If
an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down.
(Ernest K. Gann, author &aviator)
Never
fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
There
is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops
desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
The
three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good bowel
movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life
where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but
surely someone who's been there)
If
something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
Basic
Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of
it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,
buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly
there.
You
know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to
the terminal
Marine
Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet
even your friends…
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a
"4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is
expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral &
diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or
tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to
shoot.
Navy
SEAL's Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
US
Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LT's; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.
US
Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point
presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry
executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 07:30 meeting.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough
to have tax exemption.
US
Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
"With
All Due Respect . . . ."
A
C-141-A Starlifter had been delayed for take-off for over an hour at Thule Air
Force Base, Greenland, because a sewage repository had not been pumped out.
Finally
a young airman wanders up to the aircraft with the appropriate equipment. The
airman fiddles around for a while, does his thing, and then gets ready to leave.
The
aircraft commander, a young captain, confronts the airman. "You've caused
me to be two hours late for my take-off. I'll see that you are not only
reprimanded, but punished as well! "
At
that the young airman, smiles. "Sir, with all due respect, I have no
stripes, I'm stationed at Thule, Greenland, it's 20 degrees below zero, and I'm
pumping s#!+ from your aircraft. Just what kind of punishment did you have in
mind? "
Which
Service has the smartest Officers? *
